THE LAST LECTURE.

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Its 07:32, and our deadline is at 08:00.  Have a 100 posts up by that time or fail, he he he.  So I better go out with a BANG!  Sorry folks I am the worst finisher, did not mean to disappoint, frankly I am too tired to care anymore*runs away*.

Its been a stressful year and a dreadful year overall.  My friends and I agree, we thought 2011 was bad but 2012 takes the winning cup.  We tried though, most of the things were not in our control.  I had a to do list, I have done most of the stuff, surviving till thus far with school, relocating, driving up Chapmans Peak and running every morning.  Okay maybe not running every morning, but I tried.

I may not see God's work in my life at the moment...but I know His keeps an eye on me.  To my late Mom, this is just the beginning, you supported this dream, its still so surreal that you gone.  Now watch how I make you proud.  Such a pity my children will never experience Sunday mornings with you*cues ABBA's Dancing Queen.

I smell TOUCHDOWN!!

This is my second last post of the year.  The blog I had to start for my Media class.  If I ever venture into the blog woods again, hopefully it will be when I am a fashion buyer.  Then I will show you what I truly love, my passion,what I believe is my true calling,  making women look and feel beatiful in clothes.  

I hated having to post here, because I have always maintained am a terrible writer*and I still maintain*, am a reader instead.  Like acting we cannot all be the actors or leads, the needs to be an audience to enjoy the play.  Now that we have that out of the way.  Thank you to my family, my friends and my classmates for always checking out my blogs.  Gosh don't I sound like a retiring queen.  I never wanted this blog, and we all know by now, you cannot anything from the internet.  I hope my future employess won't hold it against me at some point.  And my kids will like seeing or reading this part of their mom's life, when they do find it.  Coz I ain't telling them, he he.

Do you celebrate the things you do have?

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When you're her age, (over 80) what will matter to you most?

My best friend Khothatso and I have discussed this numerous times.  She says chances are, we will never get married and will end up in some old age home filled with cats. 

I think we will have children, well me rather, and she will spoil them rotten. 

What matters at that age are your false teeth, your spectacles in order to see not read and just being comfortable.  You become a child again.  My grandfather loved jam, marshmallows, drinking sweet tea and fizzy drinks.  If you are lucky, you would be surrounded by your grandchildren and telling them stories*some made up* whilst gardening with them. 

I would presume family and what kind of life you led will matter the most.  The legacy you will leave behind would be more important.  My grandfather had a "motto" on family home gate since I was a child.  It says VUKA UZENZELE which means WAKE UP AND DO IT YOURSELF.  That is the legacy he left us.



My best friend and I in Cala, my grandfather's gate.

Would you break the law to save a loved one?

In this country, that is nothing, I would even kill, well not the way  Shrien Dewani oke killed his wife.  Another kill, the one when someone breaks into your house, I would shoot them without firing the warning shots to protect my family.

Committing a crime is very wrong, and in a country like ours were crime is so high, I should not be encouraging such.  But family is family. 

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Well, maybe stealing candy for my nephew is as far as I will go.  I am too chicken to go to jail.  

Have you done anything lately worth remembering?

Ha ha ha ha I can't help ithad to laugh.  Babalwa and I pulled an all nighter doing an assignment for PR.  This meant she had to sleep over at my Res which is not allowed.  So we sneaked in and she did not sign in.  This is a huge deal, because never breaks the rules.

We worked till the wee hours of the morning, and ate so much food.  In the morning when she had to leave, we were so scared that security guards would see her. So stayed for a good two hours trying to think of how she could pass without being noticed.

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Its worth remembering because besides the terrible assignment we had to do, we had a lovely night.

Who do you love and what are you doing about it?

A certain gentleman, that calls me sthandwa sam*my love in Xhosa* and means it.

We talk on the phone almost every morning.  He makes me laugh, walks with me all the time through this terrible time and his just a really big, sweet, toothless tiger.  He tells me he loves me and his really glad am in his life.

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What we have is really precious.

If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?

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I would like to say no, but I would change two things.  I would not have enrolled for my Btech in Public Relations.  Instead I would have moved to Cape Town and try to find a job instead of studying.  This year was just a big waste of money.

Secondly, I would go back to the night before my mum passed.  Instead of listening to her when she said will talk in the morning, I would have said NO  and continued talking to her.  Or called abit earlier.  Morning came and she was gone.

This is not to say, I did not enjoy this year, I met great people, did a lot of incredible stuff...but it feels like I traded with the devil and lost so much more.

When was the last time you tried something new?

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Recently nothing really, but two of my friends and I will be going on a Shot Left holiday.  Shot Left is a Department of Tourism campaign, that promotes that South Africans must travel and know their country.  This is our second trip, we hoping to do it yearly, and not to go the typical places like the beach every December like we have been doing.  Last year we went to Clarens in the Eastern Free
State.

This year we going to see the Augrabie Falls in the Northern Cape.  The Augrabies Falls ( /ɔːˈxrɑːbiːz/) is a waterfall on the Orange River, South Africa, within the Augrabies Falls National Park. The falls are around 60m in height. The original Khoikhoi residents named the waterfall Ankoerebis, "place of big noises", from which the Trek Boers, who settled here later on, derived the name Augrabies(wikipedia.com).

I am truly looking forward to this trip, and after such a horrible and hectic year.

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Which activities make you lose track of time?

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A site called Justcurious.co.za which I can access through my phone.  I know lying on your bed and just staring at your phone and moving the cursor till your hands are numb is not an activity.  But this is something that really took most of my time.  I could read their articles without even noticing that time is flying by.  Its a gossip site about our local celebrities and the comments people make are hilarious and mean.

Yesterday, I borrowed Sinazo my laptop, instead of being stressed that she is not bringing it back and that I have a deadline to meet for today.  I just logged on to justcurious. 

It makes me forget reality and just relax.

Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength?

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For me its a waste of time honestly.  Its soothing yes, your tears might make you feel relieved for two minutes, but its not a permanent solution.

Sethi and I during this period of assignments and running around like headless chickens we BBM each other  a lot.  We are culprits of leaving things till the last minute.  Then the workload gets too much, then the emotional meltdowns creep in.  So normally I will send her a "should I cry now or later" message and every single time she says "later".  This pisses me off immensely when I want to throw a pity party or simply want to give up.

Today though I know this helped, because instead of crying I would do my work.  By the time I am done, I forgot about the meltdown.  Crying is good, no weighing needed if its a weakness or strength...but it can be time consuming.

To my Zim dollar with love.

Are you holding something that you need to let go?

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Yesterday while I busy chatting to someone on BBM, our seemingly innocent conversation turned to something sordid and mean.

I was told am miserable and a stereotype.  It cut deep and left me quite sad to be honest.  I could have immediately taken the victim mode or attacked back.  I did not, instead I did some introspection.  Normally I surround myself with people that know me.  In this comfort zone I tend to "tell it like it is" without considering the other person's feelings because they know this is how I am.  This "acceptance," might have made me have a big head and not be able to draw the line.  All in the name of being honest.  And since my friends know me, they know I am not being cruel intentionally, and that its never my intention to break someone's spirit.

Yesterday I realised  I need to let go of wanting to be always right.  To learn to say sorry first  is not a weakness.

So maybe I need to tone this down, and be considerate.  And since I can dish it out, I must also be able to take it when the same is done to me.  Maybe I need to be more gentle with the truth or just shut my trap.  The latter will work better for now.

But...

When I moved here, I moved with the knowledge or with the stereotypical mindset that Colored people just  love fish.  Well the gaps*runs*, I was told eating too much fish was the culprit.

But ever since I moved here, if am in town, I always see them eating pie.  Yes, pie.  You know pie from Pie City, King Pie and all the other nameless places.  You look there is a person eating a pie, well a colored person.  I told this to Rox yesterday and she agreed with me, after a few giggles of course.

I am not saying this a bad thing, hell I love pie, a story for another day, but this post is not about me.  Its very difficult to eat pie and not mess on yourself except if you eating it with a fork and knife.  They eat it with an art no fork and knife needed, yet they have no crumbs on their faces, no crumbs on their clothes either, like its an acquired skill.

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There is no point to this post, but am simply sharing something I noticed.  Maybe I should get a life.

Is it possible to lie without saying a word?

Yes its possible.  If I lie down on the floor, I don't have to say a word.  *chuckles, am such a nerd* I know you do not mean it like that.  Just pulling your leg, I just like playing with words.  English can be such a cool language.

I don't know, is it possible?  Am at my wits end.  I am writing tomorrow, I am trying to catch up with my blogs.  I am hanging after a good night celebrating a friend's birthday.  My creative juices are gone.  I need to sleep.  I am scared if I take a nap, I won't be productive for the rest of the day.

No, Yes, Maybe.  I really don't know the answer to this question.  I hope that's not a bad thing.

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HELP PLEASE!!!

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

I had to literally count with my fingers to remember how old I was in Std 3, he he he.  

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The year was 1995, the first multi-racial school I went to was Holy Cross Convent Primary School.  I can just remember Mrs Albert's bookshelf, full of books with Nancy Drew, Secret Seven and Noddy can you believe it, Noddy in Std 3.  The school had a playground with swings, a swimming pool and a yard so big, everyday was an adventure.  I miss that carefree life.  

When the summer holidays came, my sisters and I would go to my grandfather's house in Cala.    The swimming in the stream, the running around in the meadow, playing house and collecting bird eggs and making new nests for them.  We were always trying to figure what was behind the mountain and the night stories*intsomi* my older sister would tell us before we went to bed.  I miss that sense of family.

So if I did not know how old I am, I would definitely be 10 again.

Of all the forms of courage the ability to laugh is the most...

REJUVINATING.

To be able to laugh in the midst of it all, yourself, your situation and everything else you cannot control.  To laugh wholeheartledly from the pot of your belly, till you want to pee in your pants.

Laughing is equivalent to the faith that you have, that unwritten uncertainty that eventually, not now BUT everything will be okay.  Laughter is the meantime to a better place that promised land.

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When I hear the sound of a laughing child, I always know, with no doubt THERE IS a God.

28 October 2012

Every year on TV they always show a clip on the news of the 'wind season' in Cape Town, I hope I can call it that.  On 28 October 2012, I experienced it first hand.  Mind you, my mom and I would always laugh when we watched it, women in the city trying to hold on to their dresses.  I walked around on Monday chuckling under my breath because it was so weird.  I wished I could call home...

The wind literally pushes you back, so you can't move forward or rather you cannot move, your foot gets stuck in mid air.  Like you are in the Matrix the movie.  I tripped on my own foot and nearly fell.  I had to go back to town twice, because I forgot my wallet in my room.  So when I was done, I went straight home, before the wind could blow me away.

P.S. do put rocks in your pockets as anchors.

New obsession...EASTERN BAZAAR

I don't remember in which sitcom I heard the word "foodist" but I got yet another excuse to just enjoy food with no guilt.  My stomach is showing such terrible signs, it looks bloated, thank goodness for my concealers, CLOTHES.

Sivani had told me about the Eastern Bazaar, wanted me to try some Indian food, and said we MUST go till she got a job, and we all know how that story ended.  Sometime three weeks back, my Zim dollar Sethi and I were supposed to be doing our Media assignment.  Then she said she bought something she wants me to taste.  I cannot remember what its called, but it was rice with eggs, green peppers, chicken strips, decilious spices and it tasted divine.  I was hooked on the spot.

Now I go so many times, trying new things, that the guy who sells there says SEE YOU SOON.

Its so bad, I actually chose a chicken curry over our Deputy President Kgalema Motlanthe's new book. 

The statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood trauma.

Dr. Gordon Livingston was a US author and psychiatrist, who wrote a critically acclaimed book called Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, wherein he 30 truths or life lessons (which you can read more about here ). He believed that every individual is in control of his/her destiny, despite their past of current situation. The fourth chapter in his book was called 'The statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas.'

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The chapter goes on to explain that despite what has happened to us in our childhood, whether it be severe traumas of neglect, we are still in control of our destiny, and in order to move forward we must first be willing to let go of the past, in order to move into our future.

I have asked myself this question manier times, I even blogged about it earliar on in the year.  I am still waiting for an answer from my destiny.

Dare to be different.

No words can describe how much I love this picture.  I stole it from a friend it was her BBM display picture.  When I told her am stealing it, she said she knew I would love it, so it was bait for me.  I fell in love all right...

Pictures have a way of just capturing the most beautiful moment and they tell a different story for every person who looks at them.

Obviously I was captured by the little lady in the middle, the orange hair, the closed eyes because of the sun and those cute teeth.  I cannot get over how beautiful the girl behind her is as well, her eyes speak of years of sadness, you can see both their reality in her eyes.   The contradiction of their skin color makes the picture of course, had it been just one of them in the picture, it would be just another picture with a child.  


When being different is captured so beautifully.

Am thankful...

For the comfort I keep finding in words...when am feeling so lost, that only the kindness of words comforts  me.  From BBMs, to smses, to phonecalls or simply reading a random tweets and the never ending conversations.

Only bad things happen quickly...

Then you want to hold on to something, because everything is moving so fast, everything is blurry and you can't breathe because it feels like the air is being squeezed out of your lungs, squeezed in such a painful way words will never be able to describe it.  Like the world's carpet has been pulled right under your feet, so you falling into this dark deep hole. 

Then you make yourself stop, breathe, because its so surreal. Then you realise, just because you going through the worst time of your life.  That does not mean the world will stop for your pain, nope, it just continues...that is the reality of life.  It happens so quickly, that you are never the same ever again.

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you!

I would be a stay at home Mom, with four kids to be exact.

This is a bit tricky because one, the education I have literally blood was shed*apartheid regime* for me to have, how dare I not live the South African dream to the fullest?  My mother raised us alone, worked so hard so that my life would be easier...so how dare would I just want to just sit at home, and be a kept woman?  And for someone who has the biggest marriage phobia, being a stay at home mum would mean I would have to get married to someone, for the rest of my life...the HORROR!

Yet with all that said, I really would like to be one.  Wake up and make them breakfast, drop them off at school, go to their after school activities and just be there and make them cookies on a Sunday morning.  Give them butterfly kisses on their tummies and tickle them till they can't breathe...oh the sound of a laughing child*goosebumps*.

This will never happen, because I was raised and trained to be independent and more especially to never be submissive to any man.  To want more out of life, to keep chasing this dream that will supposedly make it worth it, to be anything else...will be frowned upon, success is measured by things, not by the good, decent children you have brought into the world. 

What a bummer, I would make such a HOT staying at home mom.

P.S. not everyone can pull a Victoria and be both, some of us, we always HAVE to choose.

Be bold and MIGHTY FORCES will come to your aid.

*cues the SUPERWOMAN song*

As I am  typing this week's posts, am so tired, so sleep deprived, walking around with a swollen face and wishing the MIGHTY FORCES would rather just fast forward time to mid November.

I have not done anything bold of late, just waking up and being part of the day when everything else is falling apart.  My mighty forces of course are the amazing people around me, who hold me, when I can't be bold or feel like I can't anymore.

So my mighty forces are already at my aid.

The Soil

The soil is a group that sings in vernac...vernac X-ho-za*he he which in Xhosa in an English accent.*   The band consists of two guys and one girl and sing beautiful love songs.  A little bird just whispered in my ear that they are performing at the Kirstenbosch Gardens at the beginning of November.  This is right before we write our Business Management exam, the one subject that totally shows me flames. 

Now the question is to go or not to go? Besides the going, who to take with?  Can't exactly take Rox, who does not understand Xhosa*sad face*, and I doubt the girls in my unit like The Soil. 

I have missed their shows twice already, in Bloem and here.

Whats a girl to do?

*triple sigh*

Am grateful for...

Savanna Sampson...your acceptance, your craziness and the way you always want to embarrass me thinking I will love you any less makes me laugh.

Zanele Khewu...for being kinder to yourself for a change.  The same kindness you share with everyone, you deserve.  Remember this.

Lastly, to Itumeleng Nkopane, my irritating and always happy friend.  Half of the time truly speaking I want to knock your teeth out.  But your never go down spirit I silently need, SOMETIMES.

If not now, then when?

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This must truly be my lucky day or not because am still lazy to do my Media studies and I have a presentation tomorrow*BBM bruised face*.  Anyways the title of today's post reminds me of a woman I totally idolize *please note the groupie lingo, words such as TOTALLY*, Tracy Chapman.

This is how the song goes:  IF NOT NOW, THEN WHEN? IF NOT TODAY, THEN WHY MAKE THE PROMISES? A LOVE DECLARED FOR DAYS TO COME IS AS GOOD AS NONE.  YOU CAN CRY TILL MORNING COMES, YOU CAN PRAY FOR A NEW DAY, PRETTY SOON IT WILL BE COSTLY...COZ IF NOT NOW, THEN WHEN?

Aaaah just singing those possibly wrong lyrics made me smile.  Tracy is my guilty pleasure, which this time includes no fat or anything that aggravates my acne*side eyes chicken wings, bubbly milk chocolate and hot custard*.

Blind FAITH

My blog like my personal life will take a turn from here on.  What originally started as a blog telling you guys about my 'great trek from Bloem to Cape Town" and my tedious adventures will now be a journey to something more profound I hope.  My journey through life without my Mother.  A very unexpected turn, just like my coming here to Cape Town.  Well that was planned, but the events that came with my moving were unexpected.

Something is going on in my life, my faith is being tested, and my trust in God and other people is on trial as well.  This was supposed to be an easy post to write because I knew what am going to say, but now that am here I have gone blank.  I plan a lot, I like routine as I have mentioned more than a thousand times.

Today though, I learnt yet again, that when God shows up, HE TOTALLY SHOWS OFF.

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*note to self:  I am going to celebrate every single emotion, that makes me feel normal again.

Watch this space.

I moved to Cape Town in the hopes of becoming a fashion buyer.  This was going to be possible because I came with no plan B, I was going to chase this dream till it happens.  Come rain or sunshine I told myself and my Mother.  I hope you do pick up that I am speaking with a past tense tone.  This is because I was told again that I have no Textile background, so this wont be possible for now.

I am going to start working again, probably in a job I dread but I will save money like I did the first time and study again.  This is my passion, my purpose...no ifs or but.  If Sbu Mpungose, my role model could be the first black editor for Cosmopolitan, what is stopping me?  Freaking circumstances my inner negative voice says, but these can always be turned around.  Have no plan B and your hunger for it must never be fed.

I am down, but I dont like the feel of the cold tile on my face!!!

*walks away in her imaginery red sole heels*

Am thankful for...

To be continued...I can't dance in the rain today, with my luck this week, I might just catch a cold!!!!

Hope in the face of adversity

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Last year around this time I was sitting at the Georgiou's reception feeling so stifled knowing for a fact that there is more to life.  I could feel in it my bones and spirit.  Fast forward to a year later, I could punch a wall.  Never in my 27 years of life has life been so hard.  My days are filled or brimming with challenges in every single corner.  They say always have faith that something good is coming around the corner.  This person did not have my life.

I had a hectic day, a presentation that I thought went well was flushed down the toilet and being repeatedly told that we will fail is not helping as either.  I get to Res and try to sleep and wake up to a list for Comm Science that crippled my spirit.  You would think after surviving relocating and the 1st term it would get easiar, silly me!!!!!  Can I run away and never come back?

Tears wont come down my face because I cannot believe things could be this hectic.  This is me being stubborn to my own feelings, my body refusing to break but my mind and heart is in pieces.

P.S. dear God, I am not as strong as you think, quit the jokes now:(

Am thankful...

I have had a bad start to my morning, I am angry and scared.  What I normally do is count my blessings in such sitautions.  But today as I was running I was adamant that I must stop lying to myself its time I see things the way they are, that there is simply nothing to be thankful for.  Am in a bad space for me to even entertain such grade 1 reasoning.  I am pleased to say, I found 3 things that made this morning a little better.

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1.  For the new relationship God has opened for me to give a chance, this door was closed for 27 years.  I never even thought I needed it.  I am thankful for that. 

2.  Things are hard financially, but so far I have not slept on an empty stomach.

3.  For Wanga who I suspect does not want to go for a run sometimes, but wakes up because she knows I need to run.  Thank you even though she wont see this.

My favorite Cat in the Hat book is The Alchemist and Slumdog Millionaire, because...

Ooooh my heart is singing, you cannot ask me to name one book, the utter cruelty.  During the winter holidays, my Mum bought me four books to read.  Unknown to the both of us that would be our last holiday together.  There was always books next to her bed, amongst those books I found this book, Slumdog Millionaire.  This was not one of the books she had bought for me, but a friend had given it to her.   Luckily for me, I had not seen the movie.  I absolutely love fiction, its like peeping through someones window and you wont be caught or be judged for being curious.  What I enjoyed about the book was how I could not figure out the end.  This is normally possible because I have read so many books, so half of the time I can predict the end.  As I am typing this, I have a huge smile on my face. When I was reading this book, I was like a child in a candy shop and I was so happy to be home, in my bed and just reading.  This book made me laugh, cry, scared but in the end reminded me that things do work out, eventually.  The boy who became a millionaire made sure he listens, hears and absorbs every single thing his friends and mostly strangers shared with him.  That is how he became a millionaire, besides the money, but the information people were willing to share with him.  That is better than any money.

This Alchemist I read because of my older sister Ncedisa.  The guy she was dating bought it for her*lucky muffin, I still have to meet a man who buys me books, I will bear him sons only, quote me on this*.  So I read it and needless to say, two months later I got myself my own copy.  Paulo Coelho takes you on a journey you had never imagined.  My sister said from reading the booking she learnt "when you want something with all your heart, all the universe conspires..."  I learnt the same thing, but she said it so much better*ha ha ha ha*.  By the end of the book, you learn that all you desire and want to achieve is inside of you.  That is how powerful you are.

The POWER of words

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When I was a kid I was petrified of spankings.  This I would normally get if I came home late for my curfew.  I would find my mum waiting at the corner with a 'look' that says you taking chances young lady.  When I was still in an only black school, teachers used to hit us as well, corporal punishment.  This used to give me anxiety attacks.  Luckily for me, I went to a catholic primary after that, where scolding was the only punishment.

Its now as I get older that I think maybe, the spankings were better because words have a lasting effect on a person and not necessarily in a good way.  People can open their mouths and just say things without thinking.  This is where emotional intelligence kicks in and you supposed say to yourself, I will take not take in all the toxic words and protect yourself and your sanity.  Another truth I know is that, often people want to shove "their" fears on you.  Alas we are human, sometimes words stick, then they let the cold breeze of fear and doubt seep under the locked door.  So you walk around unhappy and forget the other good things about yourself and your situation.

I don't know how one can avoid these moments, or should one really avoid them?    I will also probably hurt someones feelings without being aware.  So you hope your friends know you did not mean it in a malicious way and strangers will make an excuse for you that "maybe" you were having a bad day.   

No light at the end of the tunnel

I am in a bad space this week.  So I am walking around a bit angry and emotionally shut off.  I am angry at my self for being hopeful and positive when the world insists on being a total meanie.  So today I am going to throw a pity party...and yes I will be the VIP guest, the DJ, the punch spiker(sp) and I will dance all by lonesome self with my arms wrapped around my body pumping some idiotic soppy song.

*gets into her running clothes and reluctantly starts her day*.

WHY I HAVE CONVERSATIONS?

*hits brick wall* hate it when this happens.

Honestly I have conversations because I like hearing the sound of my own voice, mxim I can see that judgemental Zimbabwean friend of mine agreeing to this statement.

Jokes aside, like any normal breathing person, yes I am normal its been proven, I have once inawhile have deep conversations that build me and the person am having it with.  Yet the conversations I truly enjoy are the ones when I am sitting with my closest friends.  The unconventional ones, the ones 'you can say anything here its okay' kind of topics and 'laugh till the soda comes through your nose'*true story* kind of conversations.  These are normally unplanned, are at a random place and are mostly about our complexes and men*rolls eyes*.

I think we take life too seriously, so we walk around trying to find a deeper meaning to life.  If you take a moment and think about it, the best convos are the ones you talked smack and walked away with the best feeling ever.  Simple will always be better...

Carrie Bradshaw

“No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends.”

 

100 things to do before you die...

When I was in matric me and a couple of my classmates, we were not more than 20 went to a camp with all the other matrics in the Eastern Cape from different high schools.  I shall not say the year, he he he...yes am at that stage in my life, whereby my age is my secret like my vote.  Back to the story before I babble.

The camp took us to different places and we did the whole Garden Route roadtrip.  I could not wait to get home and tell my Mum all about it.  My mother was one of those people who had travelled the entire world through books.  But this is one thing she wanted to do with me, see the Garden Route.  Last year we were supposed to do it then she changed her mind last minute, as she would say 'life happened".

Sadly this will never happen...so this is one of the things I have to do, alone, but she will be there in spirit, I will capture everything through her eyes.

P.S. the other 99, I still have to think of, wait here I will be back in a minute.

A day in the sun: Fish Hoek 2012

Last weekend, Cape Town weather totally surprised us and gave us those beautiful but rare days...a lovely day to be outside.  BEACH DAYS!!!  So my twin and I*Rox* and our polygamist boyfriend Chris went to spend the day in Fish Hoek.

We played in the water...let me rephrase that we put our feet in the cold water.  There is no way I am ever going to swim in this city when the water is sooo cold.  In Aliwal North my hometown we have warm springs I refuse to swim in freezing water plus my body is not exactly bikini friendly.

After taking loads of pics, walking and talking on the beach, Rox tanning, me trying to find shade because there is no way I am tanning...we went for a lovely drive up Chapman's Peak.  Even if you say you are not a believer, when you see that magnificent view, you know there is a Higher Being or a God somewhere responsible for such beauty.  Sorry Helen building bolders to hold up the mountain is all you did, but thanks*huge grin*.

To end any beautiful day, food must be included.  We had a very late lunch at a place called Marine Wharf in Hout Bay. 

It felt lovely to be just "a normal person" again.  With that being said, we still had to go back to my room and do our PR report, bummer.  The joys of being a B.Tech student.

MY big fat BIG dream.

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Am I the only person who finds the title just weird, two BIGS in one sentence or in the title rather...well this is a blog, rules don't apply I guess.

I took a step closer to my BIG dream this year, I moved to Cape Town.  Getting into the actual dream which is being a fashion buyer is turning out to be tricky.  So I am romanticising the situation and hoping that God has a better plan.  Was talking to someone last week who said in order for me to get into the buying industry, I must have a Textile background.  I don't have that right now, but I am willing to get the necessary qualifications again, even though am over this studying story.

Time will tell...maybe I have another purpose in life.  Who knows, when one door closes, all the windows fly open...naturally.

Am grateful...

Ha ha ha ha, I have to laugh at this...you know life has kicked you in your non-existant balls when the first thing you ARE thakful for is a bar of chocolate.  For the friends who bought me this piece of heaven because they knew it would make me happy just for a minute, thank you.  Not forgetting the ones that ate it with me and played along in the "What makes BUBBLY milky chocolate so divine" game, bless you too.

I will forever be grateful for my two older sisters who do not expect anything from me, they let me be.  Something I need right now, when words fail me.

Lastly, for the people who keep saying get out of bed, will do the praying for you.  JUST GET UP.  I see you...

Conventional is a good fallback position isn't it?

I agree 100 percent, especially if you like me a Taurus who cannot live without routine, then conventional is the way to go.  I am the way I am because I cannot handle disappointment or rejection.  So I avoid things that will make me doubt myself.  I do however know how to survive afterwards, but when you experience it at that point in time its not a nice feeling.

However that does not mean I will not try new things, just ease me into it and make me believe I am in control of the situation.  Make me see the benefits and promise me it will be worth it in the end.

Boring is good for me, as long as I have control...most people will say conventional is boring, those are people who do not thrive to control situations like I do.  Lucky buggers, while I sit on the fence watching life pass me by because of my stubborn tendencies, they live. 

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This is a lonely place to be in.  To wake up and not know how to feel.  So you wake up, go for a run, take a shower and be part of the day.  It does not matter the fact that you dead inside or the fact that nothing makes sense anymore, you have to show up.   So you laugh at their jokes, you reply to what people are saying and act as normal as possible.

Then you go back to your room, put the mask away, the room that is coincidentally in the corner in the basement, your dungeon the only place that makes sense.  You eat your misery and pain away, because that is the only thing you can control at the moment.

To think beyond today is scary, so I live for the next hour.  I cannot promise anything further than that, am sorry.

You cannot chase two rabbits at the same time.

Lord behold anybody who can take the time to chase any rabbit, those little cute things are fast...I say shoot them rather.  Problem solved!

This made me think of something I have been making excuses for.  Yet the truth is going off like my alarm clock in the morning, and I keep snoozing it.  We all out here, trying to establish ourselves, running around trying to make money, get degrees that will hopefully make life easier in the promised future.  Never mind that we have no certainty of being part of the future but we invest in it anyways.  It is better to be prepared, than to show up empty handed right?  See how fear creeps up, in places you did not even think it exists.

So we ignore life's little pleasures that are presented now, because we are adamant that later on will enjoy them thoroughly.  Overlooking that later will have its own excuses, that will postpone to later again.  Please am not saying do not have dreams or to respect deadlines, but look at this angle and enjoy now.

Wish I could utter these words to someone close to me, without it looking like am trying to stop his hustle.  But certain truths are better learnt first hand.  Better yet its never too late to learn anything, experience and life teaches you this.  You just have to hope that the people around you will have the patience to wait till you get this lesson.

I am thankful for...

Last week I decided that am going to put up 3 things I am grateful for every week...in no certain order.  Today, I woke up and followed yet another link out of sheer curiosity.  The link led me to a another link called KidsGiveMeHope.com.  Here I found a story that made me smile and cry at the same time...I highly suspect that the scarlet wave hence the tears streaming down my face.  I am grateful for this because it made me count my blessing even more.

"Today a friend told me about the kid she babysists who has muscular development problems.   At school when the kids have to run a race, he always finishes waaaay behind the other kids.  His elementary school classmates do not leave or sit down when they are done running.  They stand cheer for him until he finishes.  SOMETIMES FOR UP TO 20 MINUTES."

Do keep people and things that remind you about how kind and beautiful the world can still be.

Wednesday mornings...My lazy day.

Every Wednesday morning I make sure I take it easy and fully enjoy not rushing to campus.  So as usual am doing that right now.  Well today is supposed to be different because I have two assignments to hand in tomorrow but I just can't snap out of it, plus am waiting for the Play energy drink I just drank to kick in, he he he.

While browsing through twitter*a norm*, I saw one of my friends had put up a picture from Pin interest.  So I thought let me check it out.  I just registered but now I have to figure out how to use it.  It looks really cool, and has the most amazing pictures I have ever seen.   You basically say who or what you are by pictures...no words.

Anyways, I found one that I had always thought this is how am going to raise my children.  Especially if you are raising them in a country that is full of people from all walks of life*diversity*.  Life is hard as it is, but when you are constantly judged, it makes it even more hard.  I think we all yearn to be accepted just the way we are, with no tags. So as my pictures says, be curious, not judgmental, have an opinion, don't be condescending or rude.

P.S. am broody and random.