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Wednesday 26 September 2012

Am thankful...

I have had a bad start to my morning, I am angry and scared.  What I normally do is count my blessings in such sitautions.  But today as I was running I was adamant that I must stop lying to myself its time I see things the way they are, that there is simply nothing to be thankful for.  Am in a bad space for me to even entertain such grade 1 reasoning.  I am pleased to say, I found 3 things that made this morning a little better.

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1.  For the new relationship God has opened for me to give a chance, this door was closed for 27 years.  I never even thought I needed it.  I am thankful for that. 

2.  Things are hard financially, but so far I have not slept on an empty stomach.

3.  For Wanga who I suspect does not want to go for a run sometimes, but wakes up because she knows I need to run.  Thank you even though she wont see this.

Tuesday 25 September 2012

My favorite Cat in the Hat book is The Alchemist and Slumdog Millionaire, because...

Ooooh my heart is singing, you cannot ask me to name one book, the utter cruelty.  During the winter holidays, my Mum bought me four books to read.  Unknown to the both of us that would be our last holiday together.  There was always books next to her bed, amongst those books I found this book, Slumdog Millionaire.  This was not one of the books she had bought for me, but a friend had given it to her.   Luckily for me, I had not seen the movie.  I absolutely love fiction, its like peeping through someones window and you wont be caught or be judged for being curious.  What I enjoyed about the book was how I could not figure out the end.  This is normally possible because I have read so many books, so half of the time I can predict the end.  As I am typing this, I have a huge smile on my face. When I was reading this book, I was like a child in a candy shop and I was so happy to be home, in my bed and just reading.  This book made me laugh, cry, scared but in the end reminded me that things do work out, eventually.  The boy who became a millionaire made sure he listens, hears and absorbs every single thing his friends and mostly strangers shared with him.  That is how he became a millionaire, besides the money, but the information people were willing to share with him.  That is better than any money.

This Alchemist I read because of my older sister Ncedisa.  The guy she was dating bought it for her*lucky muffin, I still have to meet a man who buys me books, I will bear him sons only, quote me on this*.  So I read it and needless to say, two months later I got myself my own copy.  Paulo Coelho takes you on a journey you had never imagined.  My sister said from reading the booking she learnt "when you want something with all your heart, all the universe conspires..."  I learnt the same thing, but she said it so much better*ha ha ha ha*.  By the end of the book, you learn that all you desire and want to achieve is inside of you.  That is how powerful you are.


The POWER of words

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When I was a kid I was petrified of spankings.  This I would normally get if I came home late for my curfew.  I would find my mum waiting at the corner with a 'look' that says you taking chances young lady.  When I was still in an only black school, teachers used to hit us as well, corporal punishment.  This used to give me anxiety attacks.  Luckily for me, I went to a catholic primary after that, where scolding was the only punishment.

Its now as I get older that I think maybe, the spankings were better because words have a lasting effect on a person and not necessarily in a good way.  People can open their mouths and just say things without thinking.  This is where emotional intelligence kicks in and you supposed say to yourself, I will take not take in all the toxic words and protect yourself and your sanity.  Another truth I know is that, often people want to shove "their" fears on you.  Alas we are human, sometimes words stick, then they let the cold breeze of fear and doubt seep under the locked door.  So you walk around unhappy and forget the other good things about yourself and your situation.

I don't know how one can avoid these moments, or should one really avoid them?    I will also probably hurt someones feelings without being aware.  So you hope your friends know you did not mean it in a malicious way and strangers will make an excuse for you that "maybe" you were having a bad day.   

No light at the end of the tunnel

I am in a bad space this week.  So I am walking around a bit angry and emotionally shut off.  I am angry at my self for being hopeful and positive when the world insists on being a total meanie.  So today I am going to throw a pity party...and yes I will be the VIP guest, the DJ, the punch spiker(sp) and I will dance all by lonesome self with my arms wrapped around my body pumping some idiotic soppy song.

*gets into her running clothes and reluctantly starts her day*.

Friday 21 September 2012

WHY I HAVE CONVERSATIONS?

*hits brick wall* hate it when this happens.

Honestly I have conversations because I like hearing the sound of my own voice, mxim I can see that judgemental Zimbabwean friend of mine agreeing to this statement.

Jokes aside, like any normal breathing person, yes I am normal its been proven, I have once inawhile have deep conversations that build me and the person am having it with.  Yet the conversations I truly enjoy are the ones when I am sitting with my closest friends.  The unconventional ones, the ones 'you can say anything here its okay' kind of topics and 'laugh till the soda comes through your nose'*true story* kind of conversations.  These are normally unplanned, are at a random place and are mostly about our complexes and men*rolls eyes*.


I think we take life too seriously, so we walk around trying to find a deeper meaning to life.  If you take a moment and think about it, the best convos are the ones you talked smack and walked away with the best feeling ever.  Simple will always be better...

Carrie Bradshaw

“No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends.”


 


100 things to do before you die...

When I was in matric me and a couple of my classmates, we were not more than 20 went to a camp with all the other matrics in the Eastern Cape from different high schools.  I shall not say the year, he he he...yes am at that stage in my life, whereby my age is my secret like my vote.  Back to the story before I babble.

The camp took us to different places and we did the whole Garden Route roadtrip.  I could not wait to get home and tell my Mum all about it.  My mother was one of those people who had travelled the entire world through books.  But this is one thing she wanted to do with me, see the Garden Route.  Last year we were supposed to do it then she changed her mind last minute, as she would say 'life happened".

Sadly this will never happen...so this is one of the things I have to do, alone, but she will be there in spirit, I will capture everything through her eyes.

P.S. the other 99, I still have to think of, wait here I will be back in a minute.



A day in the sun: Fish Hoek 2012


Last weekend, Cape Town weather totally surprised us and gave us those beautiful but rare days...a lovely day to be outside.  BEACH DAYS!!!  So my twin and I*Rox* and our polygamist boyfriend Chris went to spend the day in Fish Hoek.

We played in the water...let me rephrase that we put our feet in the cold water.  There is no way I am ever going to swim in this city when the water is sooo cold.  In Aliwal North my hometown we have warm springs I refuse to swim in freezing water plus my body is not exactly bikini friendly.


After taking loads of pics, walking and talking on the beach, Rox tanning, me trying to find shade because there is no way I am tanning...we went for a lovely drive up Chapman's Peak.  Even if you say you are not a believer, when you see that magnificent view, you know there is a Higher Being or a God somewhere responsible for such beauty.  Sorry Helen building bolders to hold up the mountain is all you did, but thanks*huge grin*.

To end any beautiful day, food must be included.  We had a very late lunch at a place called Marine Wharf in Hout Bay. 

It felt lovely to be just "a normal person" again.  With that being said, we still had to go back to my room and do our PR report, bummer.  The joys of being a B.Tech student.



MY big fat BIG dream.

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Am I the only person who finds the title just weird, two BIGS in one sentence or in the title rather...well this is a blog, rules don't apply I guess.

I took a step closer to my BIG dream this year, I moved to Cape Town.  Getting into the actual dream which is being a fashion buyer is turning out to be tricky.  So I am romanticising the situation and hoping that God has a better plan.  Was talking to someone last week who said in order for me to get into the buying industry, I must have a Textile background.  I don't have that right now, but I am willing to get the necessary qualifications again, even though am over this studying story.

Time will tell...maybe I have another purpose in life.  Who knows, when one door closes, all the windows fly open...naturally.

Am grateful...



Ha ha ha ha, I have to laugh at this...you know life has kicked you in your non-existant balls when the first thing you ARE thakful for is a bar of chocolate.  For the friends who bought me this piece of heaven because they knew it would make me happy just for a minute, thank you.  Not forgetting the ones that ate it with me and played along in the "What makes BUBBLY milky chocolate so divine" game, bless you too.

I will forever be grateful for my two older sisters who do not expect anything from me, they let me be.  Something I need right now, when words fail me.

Lastly, for the people who keep saying get out of bed, will do the praying for you.  JUST GET UP.  I see you...

Conventional is a good fallback position isn't it?

I agree 100 percent, especially if you like me a Taurus who cannot live without routine, then conventional is the way to go.  I am the way I am because I cannot handle disappointment or rejection.  So I avoid things that will make me doubt myself.  I do however know how to survive afterwards, but when you experience it at that point in time its not a nice feeling.

However that does not mean I will not try new things, just ease me into it and make me believe I am in control of the situation.  Make me see the benefits and promise me it will be worth it in the end.

Boring is good for me, as long as I have control...most people will say conventional is boring, those are people who do not thrive to control situations like I do.  Lucky buggers, while I sit on the fence watching life pass me by because of my stubborn tendencies, they live. 



No title

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This is a lonely place to be in.  To wake up and not know how to feel.  So you wake up, go for a run, take a shower and be part of the day.  It does not matter the fact that you dead inside or the fact that nothing makes sense anymore, you have to show up.   So you laugh at their jokes, you reply to what people are saying and act as normal as possible.

Then you go back to your room, put the mask away, the room that is coincidentally in the corner in the basement, your dungeon the only place that makes sense.  You eat your misery and pain away, because that is the only thing you can control at the moment.

To think beyond today is scary, so I live for the next hour.  I cannot promise anything further than that, am sorry.